Our First Intimacy

“There is no perfect offering, just ring the bell that still can ring, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”  Rumi

We begin in the womb, the great holding environment of the mother. The womb of compassion. Being held in amniotic , hypnotic oneness, the prototype that imprints deeply in our DNA, body, mind and soul. From there its a spiral, out and in, going and returning… Throughout our lives we find and lose these moments of salve, succor and sustenance.

There are so many ways to replicate, restore and renew a deep, essential sense of intimacy. I call these modes or practices “oxitocynizing”  because intimacy in this sense is foremost a replenishment of attachment security, familiarity, trust, safety and a sense of connection that is related to the hormone oxitocyn: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate.[24] Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. One study confirmed a positive correlation between oxytocin plasma levels and an anxiety scale measuring the adult romantic attachment.[25] This suggests oxytocin may be important for the inhibition of the brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear, and anxiety, thus allowing orgasm to occur. Oxytocin also functions to protect against stress. Meta-analyses conducted in 2003 demonstrated that oxytocin can alleviate mood and reduce stress with a good efficiency.[26]

A sense of intimacy can be elicited and cultivated in many, many ways: In our meditations, in experiences in nature, during participation in sports, in lovemaking, in dance and yoga, in listening to or playing a beautiful piece of music,…  whenever we experience oneness, alignment, congruence, union. That intimacy is the sense of no separation, no conflict, no versus, nothing opposed. We approximate this and find ourselves at home, again..

and then, the sense of separation, of being a separate self, of isolation and loneliness, of mis-understanding, alienation, attachment disruption, fights with our spouses and kids, cubicle and jail cell hell, shyness, rejection, exile… we hate losing connection, we fear going thru separation, we want to fix it and control it so we never detach from that state, and feel out of control when we do, like a baby having the lollipop taken from its mouth! We protest, rather than accept the temporary state of transition that arises in our consciousness when transformation occurs. We develop all kinds of control strategies to adapt to that sense of union not “appearing to be” constant. We develop all kinds of defense strategies to protect us from the vulnerability of losing that union; unfortunately and ironically, the control mechanisms keep us out of the place we fear to lose! We live in defenses that keep us from the desired and lost paradise!! Woe is us!

We find and lose our beloveds. We find and lose our sense of oneness. Constancy is not an easy accomplishment, and loss is inevitable in a world of impermanence. So.. we grieve and transition. We seek and find. We adapt to loss and changes. Intimacy is an attitude, an approach, a perspective, a way of being, an offering and a gift. We can embody an intimacy in being conscious of our own breath. Its that simple and how painful when we forget the closeness of our breath!

We can forget our roots and origins. We can become so wounded and powerless. We lose sight of the virtue of vulnerability. How sorrowful are those bereft, caught in moments or phases that breed depression, despair and hopelessness! Utter defeat, to settle for a distant, detached, dissapointing deal.

With courage and clarity we seek, again and again, to be in the arms of the beloved…. letting the beloved move toward us rather than grasping and hooking for the beloveds attention. We give attention to aspects of the self that we share, our common humanity. Intimacy is both simple in many ways, and complex. Its like breathing: how intricate is our respiratory system! How infinitely full of mystery and wonder is intimacy and its variations, including sexual intimacy and depth knowing of ourselves or another human being! we remember who we essentially are, creatures of immense intimate capacities, able to know ourselves and to feel an integrous wholeness, able to connect deeply and widely with a wide range of experiences, people, animals and elements of nature. We are alchemical beings, of many dimensions, intimate in many ways. From the source and origin of our being we are deeply imprinted. that imprint exists in our DNA.

So enjoy some oxitocynizing activity! Take the risk of loss! Move towards what you love; move towards what you avoid; move towards and from your intimate self.

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9 Responses to Our First Intimacy

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    • Admin July 15, 2014 at 11:44 am #

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    • Admin January 13, 2015 at 11:30 am #

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    • Admin July 15, 2014 at 11:43 am #

      thank you for your comments!

    • Admin January 13, 2015 at 11:30 am #

      thank you for your response!

  3. Jay Sordean September 8, 2014 at 5:36 pm #

    The hormonal connection to intimacy is a very good point that you make. The brain hormone emotion intimacy connection is something not thought about often in professional circles but it truly helps to explain the wholistic connections that make up our fabric.
    Well written, Michael. I am discussing such things in my upcoming book that is available at http://www.superbrain-thebook.com

  4. child therapy January 27, 2017 at 12:30 am #

    Good post…Tells about the hormononal factors during the intimacy
    Thank you for your work

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